Remember Me Special Dreams
by DucttapedCheshireCat
Summary: A Demyx-centric fic. Demyx lives a life as a 18-year old in a cold country where everything has to be "just enough". Bigger summary inside. AU. Rated for language. Bumped up the rating to be on the safe side.
1. Chapter 1

Woah I am back with a new story o.o

and this is angsty o.o really angsty

This is a Demyx-centric fic where i basically write off everything that hurts me. most of the things in this fic are things i have felt/been through.  
Demyx lives a lonely life as a 17-year old teen in a cold country where everything has to be "just enough". Not Good but a little more than just enough. And he doesn't really fit in there. He lives there, he go to school and he try to work his life.

There is a few pairings in this fic but no major ones.. mostly small side pairings that are mentioned, but yaoi and het. I'm not gonna say that all the pairings are my favourite ones, they are manily paiirings that fitted into the cast. Since everyone in this fic are based on people I have known or that i know.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the KH or FF-cast, they are properties of squeenix. I mainly use them for my sick mind.

**This work is un edited, but it will be updated and edited soon.**

**Enjoy****  
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**Chapter 1 I know you look in the mirror and hate what you see.**

I know you look in the mirror and hate what you see. Every time. And I know you hardly recognize yourself anymore, for any apparent reason. But Demyx, you got to stop this. You got to buck up. No one likes it when you're this sad. The only thing they'll get is annoyed with you because you're so depressed you don't understand their words. They prefer you in your usual cheery way, and, to be frank; you do too. You hate to be sad. Or, not to be sad; not sadness itself. But the way it hurt.

It is you in that mirror. I promise. Look again and you'll see it.

"If that is me, I feel sorry for everyone who has to see me. Be near me." Hush.

You are disgusting. Look at yourself in the mirror. As you stand there to get into the shower the mirror on the wall mock you. Your reflection stares back at you and you want to get dressed again. Hide it all.

It's like voices in your head, whispering constant words about how disgusting you are. I know what it feels like babe.

The way you feel alone. The loneliness that is killing you. Your attitude is just a mask. And a skilled such, since you've worn it for years now. People hate it when it cracks up. Because you're supposed to be the strong one; you're the one that have to make everyone cheer up. The one that doesn't cry. (But to me, you were always the one with the wettest tears and the brightest smile.) You always hide behind that smile, to make sure no one sees that you're not as happy as you and every one else likes to believe.

It is easier that way. It hurts less.

I know you hate to cry. It doesn't help anymore. It doesn't relieve anything. Maybe because you're not really allowed to let it all out. The only thing it leaves you is that you're uglier than before, face all red and swollen, gasping for air, set on not letting out as much as a sound.

They call you depressed Demyx; say that you need professional help. You just laugh at such nonsense, though deep down you know they're probably right. And to be honest; if you knew it would help, you wouldn't mind getting it. For once it would feel good to just let it all out. But you've tried it, and every time, once you were starting to really start to tell things, let it all out, they say that the time is up, set a new time, thank you and goodbye, and shove you out of the room.

You are so sick of being alone. The worst thing you know is to go to sleep, to curl down beneath the cold sheets, alone, and know it will stay like that for a long time. When even the one person you could at least consider _maybe _having a relationship with tells you right in your face you're ugly, you tend to loose hope. And you already knew you were; no need for him to shove it in your face. Even if it was just a joke, he probably never could've guessed how much it really hurt you. What the words did to you.

Sometimes you try to write, to create a dream world, somewhere where everything goes like you want it to go. But you want to write about love. They always say you should write what you know. The problem is that you don't know love. This is what you know. Loneliness, harsh words, an ugly face staring back at you from the mirror. But you're sick of it. That much you know, though you don't know what you should do about it. You're too shy to dare to say anything. And saying such a thing only feels stupid. Besides; who would listen?

It is so obvious that you're craving for attention that it is painful to watch, and you know it. But what can you do? You only want them to notice. But then again, when they notice, you don't want them there. You turn off because you don't want to make it that obvious. (It already is that obvious, Love.) Watch from a distance, it's what you always do. It's what you're good at. Leave them alone, they don't want you there. Do they even try to listen when you talk to them? No… I didn't think so.

Just look at yourself. You're a big contradiction. A walking contradiction. You don't even know what you want.

"Yes… I do… I want for someone… anyone… to care. To be there… When I'm sad… Or just hug me." Hush. Don't speak, Babe. No one wants to hear it. When you try to say something they only argue with you, say that you're either wrong or that it's just to talk to them. They're not Axel, but they're still there. They say that they want to hear it, they don't want you to be sad, but we both know it isn't true. It bothers them to see you down, and you don't want to do that, now, do you?

Even if they are there, you don't want to say something. You want them to notice without you asking. That it doesn't always have to be you who ask.

"I… want someone to… l-love me… I hate being alone." Shush. I know. But don't say it, because no one is interested in listening. They don't want to hear it. Don't bother them. They haven't asked for your opinion.

"D-don't leave me here…" Shut up, Demyx! I told you to be quiet. Save it. No one wants to hear it. Just stay there in the corner with your notebook and be quiet, like a nice boy. Write it off. It's just painful to watch, you're so pathetic. You disgust me. And yourself. Stay out of their conversations, you have nothing to add. Not anything that's worth listening to anyway. When ever you try to say something, they just give you weird looks. They're too deep for you. Their conversations is about subjects you don't know, don't understand. Leave it.

Watch the snow instead, Love. It's beautiful where it falls.

"The trees looks cold… I don't like snow… it makes my shoes cold and wet." Shhh, I know. But it doesn't matter. I know you're alone. I feel it too. But they don't want to hear it. It doesn't matter to them, and why should it? You're not the only one feeling like this; therefore no one wants to hear it. You're just one of many out there. What ever made you think that you were special? Curl up in your corner with your book or whatever it is you do.

"I just… want to get it out… Make it stop hurting…" Haven't you heard a word I've said?

"Yes, but- -" No buts. It doesn't matter. How can someone love you when you don't even love yourself? Just listen to me, Demyx… We both know I'm right. Who could **ever** love someone like you?

"I… You're right…" Shhh, I know I am. Just sleep babe. It'll go away tomorrow. It'll feel better after you've gotten some sleep. Like I always tell you; it will be good again once you've rested. You're only tired. That's why the mask is crumbling. Tomorrow you'll be able to pretend that everything is good again, and if you pretend it's good, it will be good. You got to stop telling yourself you feel like that. It's only because you tell yourself so. Turn it off and it'll be good. Now sleep. Hush babe, please stop crying.

Shhhh… Hush… Sleep… It's good for you.

**xXx**

Demyx woke up with a jerk the next morning when his alarm clock went off. Stumbling, he headed over to his desk where the device was screaming and stopped the hideous sounds. 4 am, the same time every morning. Sleepily he padded into the living room and turned on the computer before heading to the bathroom. The floor was cold against his bare feet, the chill night air in the house so different from the warmth of his sheets.

On the way back he went by his bedroom to grab his bedcover and then curled up on the couch in the living room, wrapped up in the cover and went through his messenger list to find Axel. He was far from a morning person but this was his only way of getting some sort of twisted human contact where he dared to be himself. For two hours at least. It's something. But he always had to pause in the middle to shower and get dressed.

And showering was something he loathed. It was too many mirrors on the way there. Too many places where he could see himself, his face, his naked body in the bathroom. And to stand under the running water, having to wash himself, run his hands over all the uneven skin and soft spots made him want to throw up. Quickly the blond teen washed up and hurried out of the bathroom, towel around his waist, gaze set firmly forward so he wouldn't see any reflections. Just as quickly he threw his clothes on and it was better. At least that was what Demyx told himself. It was always easier that way.

Once the clock turned to 6:30 am he had to be out of the house. Against his will he turned the computer off, packed it in his schoolbag and ran down the street to catch the local bus that went to the central part of town. The snow crunched beneath his Converse that were wet and covered in snow when he reached the bus stop. Just as he reached the spot he saw the bus come down the small hill. He fished his wallet from his bag and got out his bus card and got on the bus. As usual it was rather empty. Every Tuesday a cute guy got on the bus by the local small hospital that really wasn't a hospital.

When the bus reached town he went over to the next bus stop, music playing loudly in his ears from his silver iPod and he switched to another song before lightning up a cigarette. It took about ten minutes until the next bus left and it was cold and lonely. Sometimes one of his friends stood here and they talked until the bus came. This day, she wasn't there. He crushed the cigarette beneath his shoe and two minutes later the bus showed up. His breath created a white puff of smoke in the air as he walked into the bus. Every other Tuesday he also got to sit next to a cute guy he knew that was a friend of a friend in his drama group. Every Thursday as well. Not today though.

Demyx sat down next to another friend of a friend from the freshman class with a sigh.

"Hey." The girl nodded and they exchanged a few words before he plugged his iPod back in and closed his eyes to get some sleep.

About an hour later they reached the school and the bus was soon emptied. The blond walked the few meters to the school, went in and walked to his locker that he quickly unlocked. When they had gotten back this summer, a lot of his friends had forgot the combination to their lockers but he had remembered his. He got rid of his jacket but kept the iPod and looked around, talking to his friends from the freshman year. He joked with them, talked and laughed with them, but he really didn't feel anything. It was all just a screen, a mask. _Keep it up; see if anyone cares to break it down. _

They usually didn't. They all thought it was for real.

The first half of the day passed without anything special happening. Math where he did nothing, he hated it. And the teacher hated him. History where he sat in the classroom, laptop in front of him and a bunch of papers and a highlighter marker, marking the things that might be important for his report.

Then it was lunch. He sat with the people from his class, his friends, like always. Ate in silence, not joining their conversations, focusing on the food, hating to eat. It only made it all worse. They all finished around the same time, all too used into the routines. A girl looked up.

"Smoke anyone?" Demyx nodded and rose.

"yeah. Let's go." Another girl looked at him.

"When are you gonna stop smoking, Demyx?" He hid his wince. This was what he always heard. When are you going to stop smoking? Quit smoking Demyx. Smoking is disgusting, _You_ _are disgusting_. They never said it out loud, but it was obvious by their words. To him at least.

He quickly left the diner, putting his plate and glass away and hurried to his locker, steps quick through the corridor, rubber soles hitting against the stone floors. By habit he opened the locker, grabbed his jacket and went out on the back, taking a cigarette from the pocket of said jacket and lit it up. They hadn't wanted him to join them anyway. It was obvious. And he didn't really feel like being there. The only thing they did was asking why he never kept his cigarettes with him, but in his jack pocket. It would go so much faster if he kept them on him. But he didn't want that. He preferred to have them in his jacket, because then he would have a reason to get it and didn't have to freeze his ass off. He wasn't like them, always running around with his bag and jacket. He never liked that.

He leaned against the wall and sighed, releasing a lungful of grey smoke into all the white. This didn't matter, he could take all the time he needed because they had a two hour long lunch break today and he had no one to hang out with, so when he was done he was just going to go inside again, turn on his laptop and read or something.

_That's right. You are alone. They don't want to hang out with you. Sit there with your laptop, because you're not making it better. Maybe someone that isn't __music major will sit next to you, only because they feel obligated since you're in their class but you won't talk to each other. You don't have anything to say to one another. There's nothing that you have in common. Maybe you will change a polite word or two, ask what they're up to until class start. What are you going to do this weekend? How are you? What's up? You will just answer politely, like always, answers no where near the truth. Because that's the way it is here. If you don't really know each other, you don't talk. You stay the fuck away. _

_Nothing will ever change, because this is the way it is. Live with it or live with it. Those are the options and don't you dare try something else. They don't really care so just pretend everything is fine. I only want what's best for you Demyx. We both know I say these things to make it easier. No reason to tell yourself false things. It'll only cause un-necessary pain and hurt. And that is something you've had enough of. I don't say it because I love you, 'cause I don't. Neither do you. I say it to make it easier._

"_I know… When will all of this stop?" It probably won't. You feel wrong. Like you don't fit in. You may know a lot of persons, a lot of them you could probably call friends. But that's not it. You attention whore. Nothing is ever enough for you. You say you want them to care, but when they try you just close up even more._

"_I… I just wanna see if they think that it's worth it. If they try to break the tougher walls down." They rarely do, I know. But then again, you've tried to let it down, break down and let it out. After a while they just change the subject or leave. Isn't that proof enough for you? They really don't want to hear it. When are you going to realize that? No one wants to see you sad. _

_You know they're out there. The person you know you will meet one day. That doesn't hate you, nor want you anything but shudders by the mere sight of you and is terrified by the thought of touching you. _

_You don't even know who you are anymore. But then again; did you ever? You always stood a few feet away from the rest, trying to figure out why. Forget it. You'll never fit in. They will never want to have anything to do with you. You'll never be cool enough, smart enough. Good enough to be allowed to hang with them so don't even try. You might be able to maybe be allowed to hang around them. Pretend you're on of the gang, but you'll never truly be one of them. They'll always look at you with a bit of disgust and a look that's asking what the fuck is wrong with you? Stop fooling around Demyx. You will never be one of them. Just let them go._

_Go home, like you always do, go to sleep early, as always. Get up at 4, like always and get two hours of the nearest thing of human contact you'll ever get before everything starts over. Don't ever think you're worth anything. Because you're not. And don't think things will change, because they won't. It'll just start over and everything will repeat. Work on the mask and try to keep it up, if it crumbles; go hide. Just never ever let it down. Nobody will ever want to see it. No one will ever love you. Get used to it; because that's the way it's going to be. Don't ever try to tell yourself anything else. It will only hurt and cause un-necessary pain. I say it because I care. Keep it up and no one will have to see and be disgusted. No one will say anything. If someone says anything mean, just laugh along, and don't show that it hurt. Because that is the way that everyone wants it to be._

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Allright, thanks for reading it and please leave a review an tell me what you think of it :3 sobe sure to press that HUGE review button, kay? 3

-Ems


	2. Chapter 2 Goodnight Benjamin

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Chapter name is from the movie Benjamin Button. Don't own that either.**

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Chapter 2 Goodnight Benjamin**

It's a dangerous time now, Demyx. You're so close to breaking I can see the cracks in the mask. It's not like you. you don't let things out, but all you want to do right now is to break. Don't do it. what if he sees you? He can't see. Nobody wants a crybaby.

"I want to break down and let it out. For someone to hug me and tell me things will be all right. And that they love me no matter what. " That will never happen and you know it.

"I can't pretend anymore." Shut up, Demyx! Of course you can. Now stop this crap before you break us both. And besides; I've said it before and I'll say it again. Nobody wants to see it. now stop this little crush you've got going on. You don't even know him and you're too disgusting. Why would he be any different from all the other guys you've been crushing on?

"But he smiled towards me… We even had eye-contact…." Yeah, because you blocked his locker and moved out of the way. Stop telling yourself false things. You're always in the way and it's getting pathetic to watch you.

"But what about Roxas?" Roxas went back in the closet when he dumped you.

You're balancing on the edge. Don't break. No one wants to pick up the pieces.

"It rains." It rains inside of us too, Dem. I know it does.

Buy you're not only bringing us down, but everyone else too.

You're shaking where you're lying in your bed to sleep, Demyx. I told you that you shouldn't stay up this late. It makes the mask crumble. Write it off and go to sleep and I promise you'll feel better tomorrow. Then you can pretend that everything is good again Just don't stay up this late again.

" _January 18__th__, 2009. 12:15 am_

_I don't want to talk. I don't want to think. I want to fall asleep and never wake up again. Because now I can't take it anymore. I want to scream and trash things. I want to let out all the emotions that rage inside. But I know I can't. That I'm not allowed. I want to scream and cry and disappear."_

Demyx wrote and went to try and sleep.

He didn't manage to.

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I know it's short. and un-edited. and written in five minutes. But it was something I had to get out.  
**I'm sorry. Forgive me.**


	3. Chapter 3 Self centric Creep

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the songs used and quoted.

I've really got nothing to say.

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**Chapter 3**** Self centric Creep.**

"You need to stop focusing on and talk so much about yourself, Demyx. It is like you don't really dare to act out, afraid of messing up." The words were like a punch to the gut. He, who always pushed himself to the side to try and help everyone else, was too self centric. _Seems like you give things away Dem. What have I told you all along? Stop thinking and talking about yourself. __**Nobody wants to hear it.**_

The blond nodded and avoided his teacher's gaze.

"But it still feels like there is something there. When you and your classmates performed that Greek history, you were awesome. One could tell that you really had fun. So there is something there, it's just that it seems like you don't always dare to act out and you can seem rather… volatile." He has a point Demyx. All you ever talk about is yourself. All I ever hear coming from your mouth is 'me me me me me'. And you hate yourself for it, thinking every night that you'll change, but you never do. You just keep talking, never knowing when to shut up, never knowing how far it's okay to go.

Your birthday is coming up, the big 18. But it will just be a rerun of your last birthday. The same wish that an accident will occur because it feels like it doesn't matter anymore. Hah. Pathetic. Get a hold of yourself! You disgust me, you little creep. I can't stand watching you.

The only thing you had is now gone. Words that used to be your weapon is now lost. Go to hell, Demyx. Disappear, no one wants you around anyway. The feeling in your gut that everyone in the school hates you is probably true. A silent hatred, pretending to be nice; greeting you only because they feel sorry that you are such a pathetic creature. You're not even a human, you're an it.

You don't even know what a teen that feels fine feels like. Because this is your normal. These thoughts, these feelings; it's what you feel every day. It's nothing special to you; it's normal. As simple as that. Selfhatred, disgust, fright. It's feelings you always feel. It's only natural. It would be easier for everyone if you weren't here. Because you drag everyone else down too. They hate it when you're this way. Fair weather friends. But in the end they won't be around when you fall.

You're scared to death when you're lying alone in your bed, but you have no idea why. But panic lingers inside of you when you're there. Maybe it's because of the loneliness. You're so scared of being alone, because you don't know what you'll do. You never take any decisions, afraid of choosing the wrong one. But that might just be wise. Because you usually do. You're a big failure and you know it. You're not good at anything. The words all lost their meanings and everything is just reproductions of things you already said. You can't write. Your teacher already informed you that you can't play theatre, which is your major. Big fail right there. You can't sing, we already got that confirmed when you've been singing in a choir and people around you cover their ears discreetly with a finger. When you dance it looks like an elephant in a porcelain store. Instead you get others to dance for you.

A sneer formed and Demyx closed his eyes to not cry.

Awww, is the little boy going to cry now because I'm showing you the truth? You're even more worthless than I thought.

"I used to think.. that I could be someone." HAH! You'll never be someone.. You wont even be anyone. You'll always be just you. A loser. A Nobody. Just you. And that will never be good enough. Not to you, not to anyone, nor someone.

_And you close your eyes when I say I'm breaking free  
And put your hands over both your ears  
Because you cannot stand to believe I'm not  
The perfect girl you thought  
Well what have I got to lose_

And what if I'm a weeping willow  
Laughing tears upon my pillow  
What if I'm a socialite who wants to be alone  
What if I'm a toothless leopard  
What if I'm a sheepless shepherd  
What if I'm an angel without wings to take me home

_-What if – Emilie Autumn-_

You're the biggest fan you've got right now. This is pretty sad, considering how much you hate yourself.

Baby, she'll be famous but you'll never get anywhere. You'll always be stuck in a cold country where you didn't fit in. I know you see it too, Demyx. It's the reason to why you cry yourself to sleep every night.

"N-Not only…" But you don't deny that you cry yourself to sleep.

Demyx's eyes closed, his breath shaking.

"What can I do…?" Nothing. Live with it. Live… or let go.

"…I don't have the guts to let go." … Pathetic. You can't even leave the things that hurt you. You keep coming back for more pain, only because you got a childish wish in your heart that someone some day will accept you.

It'll never happen. You'll always be the weird girly boy who always stood a few feet away from the rest. The one that never fit in.

**xXx**

You cry silently, you think silently, you pretty much live silently...in your own little world that you've created....it feels safe there, like nothing can touch you...but it's so fragile that when something does break through, everything comes crashing down.

But that's a lie. You whine too much. And there's not much left to come crashing down. Everything already crashed. Over and over again.

**xXx**

Your birthday came and went. You went to a nightclub but it was totally botched. But at least you had something similar to fun the next time.

You're not feeling as lost anymore, but you're still as terrified. If not more. You're terrified of laying alone in your bed. You're scared of walking around in school.

You little disgusting creep. You think you care so much about others, but you don't really. And even when you try you can't do a shit for them.

"I do care…" No you don't. Not enough. Stop pretending. You're an egoistic, self centric creep. And they hate you for it. Maybe they pretend to like you, but everything in your world is make-belief. Not everyone can be a hero, and especially not you.

_You want to go on a trip with your dad, or just do anything with him. But you don't even know what a normal father-son relationship is anymore._

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_I love you, Tiff_


	4. Chapter 4 card house

**Hi again. it was a while ago. I got a review on this today and it inspired me to write another chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own KH or anything in it. I do not own any of the songs used in this chapter. they all belong to their rightful owners.  
Complete songlist:  
Clumsy card house - Blue October  
Fell inlove with a girl - the white stripes  
Recipe for disaster - A change of Pace****  
A mix of Song to say goodbye - placebo and Waste of paint - bright eyes  
Hate me - Blue October  
Safe and sound in phone lines - A change of pace**

**This really took a lot to write. and it hurt.**

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**Chapter 4 It was a clumsy card house rape.**

The sun is shining, glaring. Burning. You just don't know what to do anymore. The pills were supposed to help but you don't feel anything. You lost focus, can't concentrate. Thoughts are whirling around in your head but you can't pick one out, you are not able to reach out and grab one.

**xXx**

It's summer now, Demyx. And you have absolutely nothing to do. No job, no friends. One year left in school.

And then what? You have no future here. You can't see yourself with a future here. But can you see yourself with a future at all? It's not like you belong here. You play with that camera your borrowed from your school and pretend you're all that. But you're not. You are worthless. So. Fucking. Worthless.

You spend all your days lying on your bed, reading and hoping for a puppy, so you'll have some sort of company. But who are you trying to fool, Demyx? We both know your dad will say "No." point blank, with out giving you or your mother a chance to argue. Puppies are expensive, and who will take care of it when school starts over for you?

"But… That'll solve… We can find someone who can take it out during lunch period, and then I can take it out before school and as soon as I get home… I probably won't have that long days since I'm doing my project now instead of next year…" Yeah. And that's why you borrowed that stupid camera.

You got a new medicine as well. They think they can make you better with happy pills. Well, these ones sure as hell ain't working. They just make you depressed again. The small blue ones, at least stopped you from feeling down. They made you unable to grasp feelings. And it made you scared. Because being depressed was your normal state, and when you couldn't grab a hold of it, you didn't know what to think, what to feel, how to act.

But now it's all back. And you hate it. With a furious passion. And you're also running out of medicine.

You also fucked up badly. Card houses that fell. It was a clumsy card house rape. All because you made a drunken mistake. And how did it go with that guy, you've been having your eyes on all spring? The one that you met a few times, that was so nice and fun? What became of him, hmm?

"He… He was interested in my friend that introduced us…" That's right. And when he didn't get her, because she felt it was wrong against you, he got together with the biggest sleep around in your whole year. And you are on his black list. Tell me the story about the lighter?

Demyx gasped, and closed his eyes through the tears. His voice quivered.

"It was one of the last days of school… I was running around the school in search for someone who had a lighter. I remember… I had a pair of dark jeans and that black jacket I got from a guy in my class… I had the camera bag slung over my shoulder. My Chucks made clicking noises against the stone floor in the school, a cigarette between my lips. When I got outside, I saw him sit there. We hadn't spoken for nearly a month. Because he confessed his feelings for my friend, Sunday after we had hung out. And I asked him for a lighter… and all he did was to hand it to me. I lit my cigarette and handed it back with a 'thanks' and no answer. Then he put his own cigarette out and walked inside. With out a word…" Hah. Yes. That's right. When are you going to learn, Demyx?

But yes, that isn't all… Care to tell us about your fuck up?

"…No…" Fine. Fine. Then I will do it. It all started about two years ago. When you started college. You started talking to this guy, Leon, online. He lived in the same town as you went to college and he went to the university. As a matter of fact he had just moved there. In reality, there was 3 years between you, but you are born so early in the year, and he so late, so it was only 2 years and 2 months and 1 day that separated you. He was everything you wanted; fun, good looking and an awesome friend. Leon could read you like no one other could, because you were so alike. You still remember the words he once said to you, one day when you were really depressed.

"I think you lost hope and need someone to bring a little light into your day." And it was so true. Towards last summer, a year ago, you decided to meet. Exchanged phone numbers and the next day, he, you, and a bunch of people from you class went to have ice cream. At first you were disappointed. But when the day was over, he was the most gorgeous thing to walk this planet; tall, dark haired, green, grey-ish eyes and an awesome smile. And the best part? He made you laugh.

You continued to meet a few times. Then one day, you and a friend were at his dormhouse, hanging out with him and his roomies. And then you both went out for a smoke. And he dropped the bomb; he was moving home. 650 miles away.

"A part of me dies, while I stop another part from dying by doing this." He said.

That day when you went home, you hugged him.

You got to meet him one last time before he moved. And it broke your heart. Your friends asked how you were, your only answer?

"…. I said I must be fine, 'cause my heart's still beating." That's right. And that was the time when you truly understood the meaning of that sentence.

Either way, time passed, 5 more days and counting, before he starts packing. Can he give you three good reasons why you can't get back to square one? 'it's okay' he tells you to your face, stop lying. 'cause every three or four tries, and now five days are gone. And so was he.

But you two kept the contact, calling each other every now and then. Some times sending a text, asking how it was going for the other part.

And so it kept going for a year. And then the mistake came. The fuck up. The fall of the card house.

You and your friends were going out one night to a nightclub. One of the friends had brought a friend, who brought a friend that was blatantly hitting on you as the night went on and he got drunker. You stayed pretty sober. Then once you got to the nightclub, you got a few drinks, danced and had fun. Every now and then you lost your friends, but later you found the boys again. The guy that was hitting on you kept kissing your cheeks. When you went out for a smoke, he followed and kissed you straight on the lips. Asked if that wasn't so bad, and kept talking about how you should do it again. Finally you did it, only to shut him up. Then he disappeared. Probably disgusted, if you ask me.

Later that night, when you came home, you called Leon, because you were bored and because the kiss had reminded you on what you were missing, while waiting for the buzz to wear off. You talked until you fell asleep with the phone in your hand.

"… Stop… Please.. I can't take it.." Stop? No way, now we're coming to the good part. Your mistake. Fool.

A few days later, you decided to spill your guts. Sending Leon a text, saying that you missed him. That you had fallen for him and that you now couldn't rise and move on with your life. How much you missed him. When you didn't get a reply, you sent another one, asking to be forgiven, because you always fucked up when you needed him the most. "Forgive me, Leon" Bo-fucking-ho

When two days had passed, still without a reply you sent another one… What did it say?"

"Please…" SAY IT.! WHAT DID THE TEXT MESSAGE SAY?

"Okay… I'm an ass… But I could use a friend… Can I still be your friend?" And what did he reply?

"…. Nothing." Exactly. Nothing. He hates you. You scared him and now he doesn't want to talk to you. Has he kept in touch during this week since you sent it?

"No." Exactly. He doesn't want anything to do with you. That's what I've been saying all along. Leave everyone alone, they're better off without you anyway. Has any of your school friends said that they miss you since school's been out?

"..No.." Have you missed them?

"Yes…" Pathetic. You don't have a future here, nor anywhere else.

And you don't have a job. You'll just spend the entire summer, inside, ploughing through book after book because you have nothing better to do, and because you are afraid of reality. Will someone do anything about it? Doubtful.

"Please stop… It's hurting me…" Stop? Hurting? Oh no, Demyx. I'm just telling you the truth. You're an adult now, you can handle the truth, I'm sure? Stop being such a baby, I'm saying all of this to comfort you babe, so it all won't come crashing on you to your surprise. I'm just preparing you so you won't be as heartbroken when the world shows its ugly face. Didn't I already tell you this? I keep you on the ground, so you won't be disappointed and get your hopes up too high. Is it so hard to understand?

"No…" Stop whispering. It makes you look even more pathetic and worthless, and we don't want that, now, do we?

"No" That's right.

In less than two weeks you're going away to work down south. Not that far from where Leon lives. But he's not going there. It's a trip you really can't afford. You owe the girl you're going with a lot of money for it. But you hope that you will get your money back for the trip once you get there. I doubt it, but sure, go ahead and hope. Let's see how much good it'll do you. Like the puppy deal. Stop pretending Demyx. Sure, you fixed a ride there so you can get the puppy. But you need to be able to pay for the puppy and the gas. And it all depends on how much money your mom will get from her friend's mother from cleaning their office. You helped a lot, so a part of the cookie is yours, but you'll settle for the puppy. Ain't it so?

"..Yes" You SELFISH disgusting worthless piece of shit. That will result in you, in the end, getting all the money you all worked so hard to get. You put a lot of nights, work and sweat into this job.

Even I hate you, you are too selfish, disgusting, worthless and you have no self esteem. Get back to reality Dem, no one likes you. Just get out of here and stop pretending like you actually have a life and a future.

You have no one to turn to, your psychologist seems like he wants to get rid of you because you are too old. He wants to shove you over to the adult psychiatry. And you have no idea what to do. You're running around like a headless chicken, with nothing to do. Go back to your book, you charlatan. You have nothing to do here. Get a job and a haircut and do something that's not worthless and a waste of time, breath, space and skin. Stop hurting yourself and just move on. Or even better; put a stop to it all. Stop this crap and just give up.

You bizarre freak show. How can you even live with yourself? You just hurt everyone you love, and the ones you don't like hurt you. The others just don't care anymore. They can't take this any longer. And the question is; can you?

No, I don't think so. Because you are not strong enough. Not nearly strong enough. You are weak, and turn to tears too easily. That's all you ever do. Cry. Cry and give up. You need to buck up, and learn that life hurts, shit happens, live and let go. It's sad to watch. Sad, and sickening. Did I ever say that you disgust me? Because you do. And you disgust yourself too. But hey; I am you. _We_ are the same person. I'm no one, everyone and yourself; a voice within your head, telling you the obvious truth that you refuse to see. But it's better if you do.

Then it wouldn't hurt so much when I'm telling you all of this. Truth to be told; I'm getting sick of having to explain it all to you. If you could just accept that you are a fugly, good for nothing, worthless waste of skin and breath, then it would save us both a lot of troubles and tears. But noooo, you have to hope, think that you almost look somewhat resembling to good, and that your friends are right, that you have gotten thinner.

But here is the truth Demyx: you are far from good-looking and you haven't gotten thinner, you just wear bigger clothes that don't push all your disgusting fat around; push it up so it looks even worse. You've just gotten something resembling to sense into your head.

You're not good at anything so why even pretend. You are worthless at your major, you're even worse in math. How can you ever believe that you'll get into a nice college in another country? There's no way you'll be able to keep up.

It doesn't matter what you say. Or what anyone else say. Because you don't believe it anymore. Question might be if you ever did. You might've hoped it was true once upon a time, but you don't anymore. Because now you know it isn't true.

You are alone, with nothing to do, and it's driving you mad, or rather; madder. You feel alone and want to curl up on your bed. But what good would that do? It would only leave you feeling more empty and alone than before. And you would look even more like crap.

All you ever do is whine. And we both hate it. I find it extremely annoying and you because you feel even more worthless.

You want someone there, to hold you, to pick up the shards of your broken life, your broken heart. But we both know no one will come. Didn't we clear that out while discussing your big fuck up? Just pick up the cards and throw them away. Because no one wants to see the remains of yet another teenager messing up. They've already seen it all. Twice.

Fall apart and start over. Live and let go. Bruised and broken you try to hang onto life. And I fail to see why.

You want someone to take you away from here, far away. But as I already said, no one will come. Accept it already; I'm getting sick of telling you this over and over. But you just try to go on with your foolish hope.

Just go back to your old ways of answering "fine" when someone asks how you are, instead of actually digging into what hurts and pouring you heart out. No one wants to hear it, really. It's just a polite phrase, they don't care for real.

You don't even know what self-respect is. And now, you're getting sick of asking for help, for once, you'd like to make it on your own. But obviously, you can't. You just fuck everything up and have to wait for someone to come and save your from your own messes. You thought you were fine before I came and pointed out all of your mistakes. But that's not true; you were messed up before everything of this came along.

The world spins when you close your eyes and you can barely breathe, but what does it matter? It's not like anyone cares anyway. Not even you care. Or at least you shouldn't. Not after everything I've tried to teach you. But trying to teach you something is like trying to get an old dog to learn the command "sit."

Demyx couldn't take it anymore. He went out and ran, trying to get away from the voice. Ran and ran until he was shaking from exhaustion and his legs nearly gave out.

But it's hard to run from yourself.

Slowly he pulled out a notebook and a pen, that he somehow managed to get along and started writing.

"  
_And then I fell down yelling  
_'_make it go away!'  
just make a smile come back  
__And shine, just like it used to be  
__And then she whispered  
_'_how could you do this to me?'_

_The road we take will be the long one  
__So hold on tight, don't leave me?  
__Take my hand, I'll bring you safely  
__To home, your home  
__Across the country, this I promise  
__I'll be back to take you on a  
__Trip to sunny sandy beaches  
__But first we've gotta meet half way_

_help?  
_"

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Please leave a review?  
~Emelee


	5. Chapter 5 Redlight District

**this is just a half finished chapter I found, but since I have another chap in mind, I'll put this crap up. Thus the shortness. I'll work on the new chapter when it's done.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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****Chapter 5 Redlight District.**

Everything is just a game, pretending, and you know that no one would ever act like that to you for real. But still you can't help but to get all giddy inside every time he says your name. And it's pathetic.

He's like that to everyone, so stop pretending you would ever be special to someone. And you friend doesn't like him. You're putting her aside for him and you have no one to talk to about it. Soon you don't know what to do anymore. You lack energy to do anything; you just lay around all day, talking to him.

Axel doesn't seem to want to talk to you anymore and you're starting to wonder if he's okay with you still referring to him as your best friend. And it hurts. Because you're sick of loosing people and Axel was really special to you. You miss him. You miss him so much it hurts your little misplaced, dysfunctional heart.

**xXx**

You're worthless. As always you can't do jack shit for the person meaning the most to you.

Suicide seems like the only way to go now, doesn't it?

What..? Is there something wrong?

"… I am still alive…" Yes you are. Congratulations Captain Obvious.

You pretend you found a friend, but if you would just open your eyes, you'd see that he doesn't really want to talk to you. He only does it out of formality. Read between the lines you airhead. Can't you do anything right?

(**MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP)**

_Maniacallaughter,guntohead,baibai._

We don't trust you alone right now. Because no one knows what you'll do to yourself, given the chance.

And still, here you are. Alone, at 6 am, after being up all night, crying your bleeding little heart out.

You feel alone, keeping hoping someone will stand outside your window with their radio. Maybe they'll play a song you know.

I am your mistake.

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please review


	6. Chapter 6 Promise of a Lifetime

**Wow, truly sorry for the long time since last. It's been a lot going on and such. But here is finally the new update and I'm gonna try to work on either a new chap of this or Fluoxetine. Wait and see what happens. Hopefully I can be more active soon.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not the characters, nor the song promise of a lifetime nor star no star. Everything belongs to their rightful owners. I only own words.**

**Enjoy and please leave a review~**

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**Chapter 6 Promise of a Lifetime**

"When you read this, I'm no longer around. I'm sorry but I couldn't take it anymore and this was the easiest way out. For a long time now, I've tried searching help, but it didn't work. No one listened. I don't want anyone to take the blame. I never blamed anyone of you. You all did what you could. I love you all, but it wasn't enough. I've been feeling alone, depressed and really down for a long time now, several years and I can't remember the last time I felt true happiness. The need for incurable happiness became acute, and it never came. I never got the happiness I needed so badly. I know you tried, but I think it went too far for me.

And I was never good with explaining my feelings anyway. I was always so scared you all didn't want to hear it, so I kept it to myself as much as I could. This was the hardest thing I ever did. Furthermore. Mom. Please don't blame yourself. I know you did what you could and I love you for it. I meant every word I ever said to you. Really. You were the best mom one could wish for. Dad, I know you tried too, in your own way. It was just so many things you didn't understand.

All my friends. I love you for all you did, and I'm sorry. But it was simply too much to bear anymore. Emilia. I'm sorry.

Can someone also please email Axel and tell him what I did and that I'm sorry and will always love him. I'll write his email address on the back of this. Furthermore, take my phone and send a text or call Kel, Lucas and Tabby and tell them about it too. Tell them that it wasn't anyone's fault, they all meant a lot to me, but this was all me.

I know this was cowardly and weak of me. But I was never good with handling things. But I had no idea what to do or where to go anymore. I was feeling so lost, alone and out of place. Like, I never really fitted in. Question is if I ever did. Sure, I had all my friends of you, but I don't know. It doesn't feel real. Nothing ever did anymore.

And like… I hate talking about my feelings because I always got the impression that no one wanted to hear it. You all said you wanted to and that you cared. And I don't blame you. I never liked listening to people when they were sad. Because I never knew what to say either. And it hurt so much that I couldn't do anything for you. So I don't blame you. I never did. So please don't blame yourself that you weren't there for me or whatever, because you all were. I know you all tried.

And if I don't make this, if I even fail at this, I am going to feel so awkward about this letter. So please don't bring it up if I don't make it.

And about how I was feeling.

I never think I felt really happy. Happy isn't in my vocabulary anymore. Because I can't remember the last time I felt it. It sounds so fucking emo and I hate myself for it, because I never wanted to be one of those annoying attentionwhores. But somehow, I always was anyway. Please forgive me for that.

I'm just… so tired of it all. So so fucking tired. Of everything. And lost.

Lucas. I'm sorry. I know you didn't want me to do this, but I couldn't take it anymore. I really liked you and you meant a lot to me. You helped me through and did what you could. I appreciate it and it was really sweet. You showed me, what life could've been like; if I had been given the chance to really try. Thanks for everything. Thanks for trying. Thank you for all the words. I kept all the texts I could. Had to delete a lot of them, because I ran out of space, but I kept the most important ones. I will always remember your laugh. It made me smile. Made the sun seem a little brighter.

But I don't want to think of you anymore, Goodnight, Tonight, Good bye.

I said sorry for disturbing because you didn't seem to have time for me anymore. Save the sweet talk because I don't want to hear it. yes. I am angry. And hurt. Congratulations captain obvious. Obviously you didn't mean anything.  
"Don't stop what we have going on" to be frank, I have no idea what that was but obviously it sure as hell weren't anything important. I was just a waste of time, something to play with. A plan B perhaps?

Are you choosing, am I loosing you tonight? Is it over, over?

When I woke up this morning, I had gotten a text from you saying "hey, just woke up, how you feeling?"

And I didn't know what to do. Because I have no idea where I have you. I called and once again you asked how I was feeling. When I'd hung up, my hands were shaking and I was close to tears. And I was in school.

I just felt so unwanted. Because things didn't work out. I couldn't take it anymore. There were things I couldn't share. Didn't know what to do with anymore. So what should I've done? Things I just couldn't get out. Say. Because it hurt too much to even think them. And knowing how much it would hurt you to tell. And the shame to think them. The shame to admit I had such thoughts. That such things existed inside of me.

I know many of you asked me to talk to you. To say what was wrong. But the thing was that many of you lived on the other side of the earth. And then write them, and get a reply several hours later, only made me ashamed that I bothered you with it. Feel awkward that I had sent it in the first place.

It was just so much that happened at the same time. My parents splitting up, my dad trying to drag me into it and emoing on me, when he had never bothered to be there for me during my years of depression.

And you know… I fell for you… Or rather... I wanted to. I wanted more than just sex. You made me feel like some sort of call girl, except that I'm a boy and I didn't get paid. But maybe some times I just wanted to hold your hand, get a hug when we met again, and not just get a text where you asked me to come over when you wanted to have sex.

Sure, I guess I should be happy, considering your good looks, your sweet personality and how many girls and boys that wanted you, but you still called me. You kept letting me come back. And I know I would've continued, because it was some sort of attention, some sort of human contact. Some twisted form of affection.

But it would've been nice with just… A little more than just the sex, even if that's nice. But a hand to hold, a small kiss, a hug when no one sees. Holding me also after sex, not just before. Less complaints about everything I own, or the fact that I snore. That's not exactly something I can change.

I always wanted to be the small, graceful, sweet one. But I know I'll never be. I'm too tall, too clumsy, too much.

And you know… You don't have to brag to prove something. I liked you anyway.

Is it because I am older than you that you want to look cool? Because I hate that fact. Or not the older part, that I can live with… But the fact that I am taller kills me a little bit inside every time we stand next to each other. And you're so much thinner.

Sure, I've gotten thinner lately, but I still don't like being undressed. There are still uneven skin, bumps and lines. But you on the other hand…

I feel like such a klutz next to you. Yes, I am clumsy, and I can live with that, we can laugh at it. But it all becomes to obvious next to you. I'm just hoping you find the clumsiness charming.

Give me a kiss before you leave; a kiss to build a dream on.

But I moved on. You were fun, something to start with. The only thing is that you showed me what I now lack. I tasted Paris and now I don't want to let it go.

To I met someone new. He's sweet and nice. Probably not interested, but it's at least a friend.

And dad. Dad, dad, dad. I don't even know where to start. I really wish that you would stop dragging me into all of this, keep it between you and mom. Sure, I am counted as an adult from most parts, but this really isn't something I should be a part of.

No, I didn't want to be at your place, because I finally got rid of the constant air of smoke I always had around me when we smoked inside, now when mom and I started smoking outside, and I could do nothing about it at your place when you were allergic to all strong smells. Mom was my saviour, my safety net. And now, she wasn't around any more. I panicked, didn't know where to go. I hate apartments, I was afraid to cough after 10 pm.

But that still doesn't give you a reason to throw me out in the middle of the night. If you were so afraid you could've just called instead of trying to take control over me and my life. You're a bit late you know. I'm 18, soon 19, you don't have any control any more, and I really wish you would stop coming to me and saying that you love me and that I am all that's good in your life anymore, considering that you're 10 years too late.

You should've showed all this earlier, been there for me when I grew up, instead of coming now, been there and had my back when everyone hated me, froze me out. I could've used my dad back then. But you never looked. It seemed that you thought you were all that, coming there with your 6'6'' and dark voice and talking loudly to the mean kids and teachers, making them apologize.

You know… You really ruined that word for me. People can apologize to me when they really hurt me, but I don't believe them anymore. 'Sorry' isn't something that exists in my vocabulary, whether it's honest or not, because you always made the mean kids apologize, they came and said sorry, but never really meant it, then when no one was looking any more, they all started again. Everyone always thought that a 'sorry' would make everything good again. I'm sorry, thank you and good bye, we will never bother you again.

It doesn't work that way in the real world.

In the real world, the mean kids say sorry, smile a faked smile and look a bit sad. Promise to not do it again. Then when the parents and teachers look away, they're back again with harsh words, hits and kicks.

After a while, I just stopped telling you all, because nothing happened anyway. It was just an evil circle, never ending.

I tried everything to make you see. But you never did, or you never wanted to.

"I am so distant myself  
I guess I never believed  
that you could take it away  
and I'd have no time to grieve

I don't believe in TV  
I don't believe in the fear  
When you are searching for stars  
You will be looking right here"

-Star no star – Jack off Jill-

I'm sorry it had to come to this, but it seemed like the last way out.

I'm sorry and I loved you all.

Demyx

May 1st 2010

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**No, suicide is not the way out and this is not the ending.  
Hang in there.  
/ Emelee**


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